Tag Archives: Love

Time + Family = Love

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Don and I do not live close to either side of our family. Except for our own children, the closest family member is two hours away. In years past, for a variety of reasons, I did not spend much time with any of my family. I can make excuses. I was busy raising my kids, busy in ministry, busy with schooling and work and activities. But in the last two years, I’ve come to realize that anyone will make time for what is important…what consumes your time, consumes your heart.

So I determined that for 2016, my word is family.

Now that we are almost one-quarter of the way through the year (yikes!), I want to evaluate my progress in meeting my goal of more family time. In January we travelled to Dubuque to see my nephew’s basketball game. In February Don and I went to Ames to take our son to breakfast and to meet some members of my soon-to-be daughter-in-law’s family. Today I just returned from a quick visit to see my sister, brother-in-law, aunt, brother, nephew and niece.

I love my amazing family…those I can visit often and those much further away. No matter how far apart my visits, I’m always welcomed with open arms. My sister and I can talk constantly, laugh uncontrollably, and reminisce tearfully…all night long.

Max_Morgan

I’m determined to be more than an aunt in name only to my brother’s kids. I want to watch my nephew play baseball and my niece perform gymnastic feats. I want to be a presence in the lives of my aunts and uncles. I enjoy listening to stories from my 8-year-old niece and my 88-year-old aunt. Both are delightful. In two weeks, I’ll watch another beloved niece get married. I’ll enjoy the antics of my little great-nephews, and hug my lovely mother-in-law. Two months from now, at my own son’s wedding, we’ll have the privilege of hosting many McGarvey and McCullough family members. What an opportunity for joyful expressions of love and acceptance!

I’m still very busy ~ I’m still involved in ministry, parenting, and work, but my determination, my priority is now to make intentional time for family. Time passes so quickly ~ let’s live so we have wonderful memories, not regrets.

The Double-Edged Sword of Influence

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Double-EdgedSword

We all have it. Some more than others but, unless you live alone in a cave without any human interaction, you have influence with someone. How you use it can define your legacy.

First, a few questions…

  • Do you show kindness to the harried grocery clerk?
  • Do you drive as though you own the road?
  • Do you discipline your children with respect or anger?
  • Do you roll your eyes when asked the same question multiple times?
  • Do you belittle someone and say “I’m just joking?”
  • Do you give a little extra tip to the hard-working restaurant worker?
  • Have you ever paid for a stranger’s meal or coffee?

The influence you wield can encourage, exhort and enlighten. It can empower others to action…brighten the lives of the less-fortunate…embolden the spirits of the downtrodden. Your influence – my influence – is a powerful weapon for good, but unfortunately, it can also be used for evil purposes.

  • If you can encourage, then you can demean.
  • If you can empower, then you can reject.
  • If you can build up, then you can tear down.
  • If you can enrich, you can also impoverish,
  • If you can assist someone, you can destroy someone.

We can influence others with our speech or our actions. Usually our intentions are obvious in our body language or tone of voice. How you say something usually supersedes what you actually said. Emojis can offer intent but don’t replace the real deal…

So, be careful where you point that thing called influence. Like a light saber in the hands of a Jedi master, hone your positive influence skills. Be patient with others, give grace whenever possible, show love and mercy, demonstrate forgiveness, allow the fruit of the Spirit to hang low on your influence tree. Be salty and shine bright.

My Favorite Language

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Five_Love_Languages

A number of years ago I helped Don teach a Marriage and Family class for his Masters Commission students. We used the book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” as the textbook. Written by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1995, the Five Love Languages has become a classic, and not just for married couples. Due to the success of the principles in the original, Chapman has re-written the book in relation to children, teenagers, men, singles and people in the military. If you look on the amazon.com website, there are scads of books and other resources using the Five Love Languages premise.

Dr. Chapman’s premise says we, as humans, have a need to be loved and not all of us receive love in the same way. We are all wired differently and speak “love” differently. His five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts and physical touch. This blog isn’t meant to be a summary of these languages. If you really want a good read, pick up a copy. Easy read and possibly life-changing material for improved relationships…

You can’t help but read the book looking for your own personal love language. It didn’t take me long to figure out that my “love tank” was best filled through acts of service. And I come by it honestly. It was my mom’s favorite too – even though she never read the book. My mom felt most loved and appreciated when she could do things for us or when we did things for her. She would come to visit me with her car loaded with food – a large pan of lasagna, cookies, Texas caviar, bags of fruits and vegetables. If she knew we were coming to visit, she made sure she had watermelon ice cream on hand for her two little grandsons or took time to take those same guys for rides on the Gator or play outside with her dog, Keely. Once her health declined, I knew I could make her day by cleaning her house, taking her for a haircut, helping her load up on groceries or visiting her favorite restaurant.

I’m fortunate to have a husband who does so much for me. Most weekday nights he has supper ready when I get home. He cleans and vacuums, does the laundry and dishes, and empties the trash and recycling. Does he love this stuff? No (except maybe the cooking part)…but he loves me, and he knows I feel the love when he does these chores for me.  He knows it “fills my love tank.”

I enjoy showing my love for others by doing small acts of service. Sometimes I don’t feel like it, but that’s when I really need to do it. Because love isn’t easy, it’s intentional. Make the choice to do something you don’t like doing, just to show the love. You’ll be surprised – you’ll be filling someone’s love tank and topping yours off too!

Friends are Friends Forever

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old friends

I spent today with some of my favorite people – some family, some soon-to-be family, and some might-as-well-be family.

I hope you have people like that in your life. Friends you may see only sporadically but can pick up right where you left off, no matter how long you’ve been apart. Friends who speak your same silly language…who “get you”…who love you in spite of your flaws and foibles. Friends who think like you, which, in my case, can be a very scary thing.

I have a friend who is a sister-of-my-heart. We spent all afternoon together and now I feel so refreshed. She radiates the love of Jesus, full of fun and creativity (she was my Flat Stanley co-conspirator today). We laughed and laughed and laughed – all day.

She speaks her mind, but listens with such a tender heart. She cherishes my kids and truly cares for their welfare, just as I do toward her beautiful daughter. Our husbands are best buds and enjoy just sitting together drinking coffee (or, sometimes frappes).

I’m planning to grow old with her because if I have to endure gray hair, chin hair and the effects of gravity on my aging body, I want to do it with someone who’ll see the humor and help us get through it together.

Her friendship means so much to me and I’m already planning exciting adventures with her very soon. What do you think – maybe some tubing on the Wapsi River this summer?

Reflecting on Reflection

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Flower_reflectionMy 40-day journey of addition begins today. And I wanted to start with something which will help me all the way through this adventure.

Reflection. So many definitions. One involves a mirror. Yuck.

Some of us use the mirror as a tool to pluck a stray hair, check for green stuff in our teeth, or make sure that eyeliner went on straight. Others  use it as a tool to beat ourselves over the head…”too fat,” “too pale,” “big nose,” “big butt,” “big ears,”…the voice in my head can depress me more than any Donald Trump sound bite. My self-esteem can take a big hit if I saw myself the way that mirror says I am.

But there’s another mirror…a magic mirror…I can use every day, at any moment, if I choose it. This mirror reflects the real me…the me that God says is valued, loved, cherished. The mirror of God’s Word is the only true reflection of who I really am.

Another definition of reflection has to do with  meditation or consideration.

I think about stuff. Don’t you? I spend a lot of time in my head, constantly talking myself into and out of things. So today, I’m committing to spending more time in reflection. Intentionally considering my life, my schedule, my choices, my God. I’m looking forward to listening to the Holy Spirit as I try to reflect who I am because of who He is in me.

That’s another reflection to consider. How do I reflect the love of Christ into this world I live in? I’m a pretty flawed human being but Jesus lives in me and I want His love, His words, His character reflected in my words and actions.

Paul wrote a letter to the Corinthian church and in it he included a section we like to refer to as “the love chapter” – 1 Corinthians 13. It’s very beautiful (if you take time to REFLECT on all of it). There’s a long list of what love is and isn’t (love is patient, kind, not envious…). But one of my favorite parts of the section, toward the end, of what it will be like when we see Jesus.

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

When we see Jesus, we won’t wonder if we are too fat or too thin, accepted or not accepted, loved or not loved. I will know all things as He knows. A reflection is good for now, but I can’t wait until I see Him face-to-face.

 

Reflections on July 2nd

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simonvouet_womanplayingtheguitar

It’s July 2nd…a good day to look back on the first 6 months of the year. Or maybe not. Should have done it yesterday…July 1st. Better for my latent OCD. I mean really, who logically starts something on the 2nd of anything? So my “new thing” is doing something illogically and out of the norm for me. Convoluted arguments with myself. That’s actually pretty normal for me.

Back to the purpose of this – a self-evaluation of my 2015, part 1. I don’t really have year-long goals. Too easy to cop out and forget about them. I try for month-long goals…better for my short-term memory. Was going to make May my “watch movies I wish I’d already seen” month – didn’t happen. Something always comes up that seems more fun than sitting in front of the TV for a couple of hours. I still have the stack of DVDs in the living room (I’m sure they’ll remain there until Christmas) but summer is no time to hunker down in the house when the sun doesn’t set until 9 p.m. And by 9:01 I’m exhausted and ready for bed.

I am doing well on my 90-days-through-the-Bible challenge. One-third of the way and still on track. I tell myself that I can’t read anything else until I’ve read my Bible. It’s working so far.

I’m also still running…well, running, then walking, then running, then walking, and finishing with running. Still not very fast. But I do somewhat enjoy the discipline and feel so much better after getting in a 2-mile run. And I try to participate in 5K races periodically to keep myself out there. I won’t win anything except the finisher’s medal but that works for me.

Some of the “new things” I’ve tried have been successes – meaning I’ve made them part of my lifestyle now. Like edamame…delicious. Giving blood – do it every 8 weeks now (first time was last November after years – literally years – of being afraid. Silly me). Fitbit – addict. Found out I’m more competitive than I thought. New restaurants – I’m committed to trying new places because I’m tired of seeing the same menus at every place I eat. This is not a hardship, by the way. Downtown Cedar Rapids has a plethora (new word – try that every day too) of eating establishments and I’m not opposed to giving each of them a try at least once. Support local eateries people! The McDonalds, Olive Gardens, Red Robins, and Chilis will survive without your support – but there is so much more to experience.

I’m reading a new blog every day. It’s called Leadership Freak. Exceptional. Give it a try – even if you are the only person you’re leading.

By the way, a new friend recently shared a document on her Facebook page that I thought was awesome. So I’m sharing it here. It’s called “Everything is Awful and I’m Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up.”

Second half goals: volunteer more, complain less. Stay out of arguments that won’t matter the next day. Build people, not walls. Love more, fear less. Keep trying new things to stretch my comfort zone into the 3XL range. I may even pick up my guitar again.

Rotten Fruit

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fruits1

I have a large basket on my counter that I try to keep filled with apples, oranges and bananas. Occasionally I notice an orange at the bottom will go bad, or a banana becomes brown, before I can get it eaten. And once in a while, I’ll bite into an apple that looks great on the outside, but is discolored and mealy on the inside. Yuck! No one likes rotten fruit!

The Apostle Paul knows all about rotten fruit. In Galatians 5, Paul talks about the fight going on in each of us. The fight between good and evil, between living according to our sinful natures and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide your life. According to Paul, “these two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” (Gal. 5:17b) And when you give in to your sinful nature, all kinds of really nasty stuff happens…things like idolatry, hostility, envy, outbursts of anger, jealousy, division, quarreling, selfish ambition. That’s what I call bad fruit. Attitudes, habits and behavior which make us look and sound pretty awful. But, the Holy Spirit produces the good stuff. The fruit of walking in the Spirit is (say it with me)…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. That’s a beautiful bowl of fruit!

Later on, in his letter to the Philippians, Paul gives us a “to-do” list for walking in the Spirit, for producing the kind of fruit I want to be known for – healthy, plump, beautiful fruit – which attracts others to you and to your life lived for Jesus. I love how The Message says Philippians 2:3: “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.”

By choosing to walk in the Spirit, you’ll constantly be producing gorgeous fruit and tossing out the bad stuff. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be known for my rotten fruit.

It’s Not Easy Being Green

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envy ice cream

Envy – the green-eyed monster. What’s the big deal? Being envious of someone doesn’t really hurt anyone, right? Well, actually it does. It hurts you. It stunts your spiritual and emotional growth. Always wanting what you don’t or can’t have can lead to a lot of problems.

Think about something or someone you’ve been envious of. Maybe you’re envious of that new engagement ring your best friend is showing off…maybe you’re envious of the “We’re expecting a baby!” couple…how about that new big house so-and-so is moving into next week…or the promotion your co-worker just got. Why is it so easy to be envious?

It’s our nature to want something we can’t have…goes all the way back to Cain and Abel. Abel received God’s favor, Cain didn’t. In this case, Cain was so envious, so angry, he killed his brother and hid the crime. Saul was envious of David and the adulation David received from the Israelites. Peter was envious of Jesus’ statement regarding John. I’m sure you can think of more examples.

Envy is only the first step down the path toward greater and greater darkness. If it’s not checked or confronted in your life, it can lead to bitterness, offense, anger, or in some cases, violence.

I’ve learned to reexamine my desires when I find myself feeling envy. According to 1 Cor. 13, love is not envious. So the solution to my envy problem is love…unconditionally loving those I feel have what I need or want…loving my life just the way it is…loving God for the favor and blessings He has granted me. Learning to let go of the envy and embracing the life I have, grateful for every little piece of it.

The Power of One

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Friends united

As a parent, I know how powerful my relationship with my husband is when it comes to dealing with our children. It doesn’t take a kid very long the try the old “if Mom says ‘no,’ get to Dad before she does” move. Don and I learned early on to communicate with each other regularly and present a united front to our boys. Our unified front brought a measure of peace and security, even though the guys may have thought differently at the time.

In the account of the building of the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11, prior to confusing the languages, God talks to the others in the Trinity (notice use of word “us”) saying, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.” (Gen. 11:6) What an illustration of the power in unity!

Romans 15:5-6 – “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

If I’m causing division by my words, then I am definitely not participating in a spirit of unity and absolutely not giving glory to God. Unity is a necessity to live a life worthy of my calling. Unity brings maturity. I challenge you to look at your words and actions when it comes to other believers. Do you talk down about someone in another denomination? Do you make fun of someone’s beliefs because you don’t understand it or believe it yourself? Am I guilty of picking apart a church’s Tenets of Faith because it doesn’t include everything mine does? Am I guilty of causing division, even in little things like my one-on-one conversations with others?

I challenge you to read Ephesians 4:1-15 – a large commentary by Paul on living in unity. I am a part of the Body of Christ. I can’t be in disunity with other body parts or my goal to tell the world of Jesus will be worthless.

Colossians 2:2-3  – “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.”

Chaos is default. Unity takes work and determination and love. It’s a choice. Maybe the reason we can’t understand all of what God wants to do in the Earth is because we kill our wounded. Maybe the reason these other world religions are growing is because they don’t see anything in us as believers in Christ that would cause them to want to be a part of what we have. We need to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. We need to forgive each other and choose to love. That will unite us all. (BTW – thats Colossians 3:12-14)

You is smart. You is kind. You is important.

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The-Most-Destructive-Words

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” What a lie. A big fat lie. Words can cause greater damage than any stick or stone.

We often believe what we hear about ourselves, especially if the speaker is someone in authority or someone we trust or admire. Parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, coaches…even ourselves. I’ve found in my tutoring of students of all ages that my toughest job is getting them to believe in themselves after hearing things like “You can’t” or “You’re dumb” or “You’ll never…” for far too long.

Two solutions.

First, don’t destroy others with your words. Be an encourager, a cheerleader. Don’t bad mouth someone, or be nasty or rude. Avoid saying (or typing in your status bar) anything destructive or negative about another person. No matter who they are. No matter their political party or religious denomination. No matter what you perceive they think of you or have done to you. A well known person once said, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.” Good advice for all of us.

Secondly, do not disparage or bad mouth yourself…not your mind or intelligence, your emotions or your physical body. No matter what someone else has ever said about you…You are smart. You are kind. You are important.

God’s Word is full of His words of unconditional love and acceptance of who you are. Are you calling God a liar? Start reading through Proverbs and inserting your name.

“The speech of KRIS is worth waiting for…” (Proverbs 10:20a) Or “The speech of KRIS clears the air…” (Proverbs 10:32a) Or “The words of the wicked kill; the speech of KRIS saves.” (Proverbs 12:6) One of my favorites is Proverbs 16:24 – “Kris’ gracious speech is like clover honey – good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body.”

I’m attaching the link for a more in depth article about the power of our words if you need more convincing but this Scripture from James states it pretty clearly.

“It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.” (James 3:5-6 MSG)